Gone, but not Forgotten

Twenty four years ago, I found myself in Munich, Germany...drinking heavily at the famed Munich Putsch beer hall as any reasonable 18 year old would. Upon returning to the hotel that night, I got off the elevator on my floor and was greeted by a friend who told me that Kurt Cobain had been found dead. My reaction at that time was not one of shock or utter grief. Though I was saddened, it didn't strike me as unexpected. After all, the prior months had been a cycle of attempted suicide, rehab, and illustrated a general downward spiral that seemed destined for the same end result. 

Over the next year, Kurt's music would make a profound impact on my life. It already had prior to his death, but it grew afterwards. Nirvana had been a favorite band of mine, but it was the following year in college when I suffered my first real intense period of depression, and during that time, Kurt's music was a comfort. It was from him that I truly learned to turn many of my darkest thoughts into artistic expression as a form of coping. 

To this day, his music still sounds fresh to me, despite having listened to everything he ever recorded so many times that I know every note, it remains impactful. That is the thing about art, it survives even after the artist doesn't. It's how we achieve immortality. Though for those close, it does little to ease the pain of loss, something I've learned in these 24 years since.

Montage of Music

In case anybody was wondering what happened to the Weekend Music Roundup, the answer is simple. The birth of my daughter last weekend happened...so listening to music has not been in the plans. Well, that's not say I haven't listened to music, just haven't had time to absorb new music. However, I did have time to watch the wonderful Kurt Cobain documentary on HBO, Montage of Heck, which did feature some new music, most notably an acoustic Kurt cover of The Beatles "And I Love Her," which is absolutely brilliant.

The entire film was actually quite brilliant. Combing through home videos, interviews, and most strikingly, Kurt's own journals and drawings, the film offered a glimpse into what Kurt was truly like as a person. So often, the prevailing myths about Kurt, and media portrayal of him a depressed junkie, overshadow the creativity of his work and the humor which he displayed so often. Montage of Heck was able to show this legend in such a way that the legend became a man again, one with flaws and genius in equal parts. Bravo!

On Burning Out and Fading Away...

Twenty years ago, I was eighteen years old and very drunk in Munich when someone stopped me in the hotel lobby to say Kurt Cobain had committed suicide in his Seattle home. Though I was a huge fan, I remember my reaction wasn't one of devastation or even surprise. Though sad as it was, I rather expected it to happen sooner or later. It sort of amazed me that it came as a shock to anyone. A few months before he had tried to commit suicide in Italy and had ended up in a coma. His songs, especially many of his later ones, read like a diary of one suffering with life. It was this very quality about him that spoke to so many lost teenagers in the first place. So his death didn't surprise me, yet it still saddens me.

To this day I often think about what kind music Kurt would have recorded in the past twenty years. Sometimes I hear a song and can't help thinking Kurt might have made something that sounded like this. After hearing his last songs that have showed up over the years, "You Know You're Right," "Do Re Mi," etc, I think Kurt was moving on to something spiritual in his music. I could also see him doing something like Elliot Smith's self titled album or Johnossi's debut. And though we will never know what was to come, his influence can still be heard and the music he left behind is still enjoyed. True legends never fade away.

Come As You Are

Today would've been Kurt Cobain's 47th Birthday had he not passed away twenty years ago. Even after all that time has gone by, I still find myself mesmerized by the music he left behind. No matter how many times I've heard each song, they always sound current and raw. Sometimes I like to imagine what the music he would have recorded would sound like today. Nirvana was in a period of change when he died, his last songs were taking off in a new direction, and I'm sure he would have continued to push his creative energies in interesting ways. 

As I get older, I find myself feeling the loss of people more intimately than I did when I was younger. Perhaps it's because I'm growing closer to the inevitable myself, or maybe it's simply because I've experienced more of life and realize how difficult it can be and the loss of anyone who brings comfort to those difficulties is more magnified. On some level I've always understood why Kurt took his own life, but understanding doesn't mean I don't wish there had been another outcome. Hopefully he was able to find peace in rest, and wherever his spirit is now, I'm wishing him a Happy Birthday.

Weekend Music Roundup (Into the Black Edition)

First off, I apologize for getting this out a day late. Having spent yesterday several hours away from home, I'd hoped to get to this when I returned, but alas exhaustion won out, despite having set everything up the day before. Regardless, better late than never.

This week's round up is slightly different. Ever since reading the Kurt Cobain biography Heavier Than Heaven a few months ago, I've been listening to Nirvana pretty regularly. Having always been one of my favorite bands, their music never fails to inspire me creatively. Kurt is one of the greatest lyricists in rock music history, using simple rhymes to express unrelenting emotion, not to mention striking imagery. Like Syd Barrett, Kurt's lyrics combined with the music, create a unique world for the listener to visit.

Heavier Than Heaven - Charles R. Cross:

Not only was this book wonderfully researched, it was also powerfully written. In my opinion it's rare for a biography to be such a riveting example of storytelling, especially when so much is publicly known about the subject, but this book proved otherwise. A very moving portrait of someone who in many ways got what he always wanted, only to discover he was so ill fitted for the fame he sought.

The author exhausted nearly every possible reference for this book, talking to everyone close to Kurt, as well as scouring through countless interviews and the journals to present a complete picture of an iconic figure. What comes through so strikingly is the story of a child who felt lost after the divorce of his parents and was never really able to reconcile those feelings, which show up in so many of his songs. It shows a person so driven to be accepted and adored, while possessing none of the traits one needs to cope with that adoration once it's given. 

Before reading the book, someone had warned me that the ending was really sad. I told them I knew how it ended, so I thought it would be okay. But the truth was, the ending was indeed very sad and moving. It really showed the struggle one faces when they decide they simply can't go on anymore and knowing they are going to devastate those closest to them.

My Nirvana Collection

As any reader of this blog is aware by now, I'm a huge fan of bootlegs and Nirvana is one of the first bands whose bootleg catalog attracted my attention. For a band so popular, it's amazing how much unreleased material still remains. They are also one of the rare bands whose demos are often times better and more insightful than their studio albums. Without all the production that goes into making the 'big rock record,' Kurt is essentially a blues player, releasing his torments in raw expression. This is also why many of their live recordings are essential. 

If all you know is this hits, than I strongly suggest digging deeper. The With the Lights Out box set is an amazing place to begin, or even the Sliver: Best of the Box one disc set will give you a good look into the 'unheard' Nirvana. If you still can't get enough, than I highly recommend seeking out the bootleg box set The Chosen Rejects to fill many important omissions. Despite all the copycat bands the flooded the market, there is really no other band that sounds like Nirvana. They were consistently inventive and consistently brilliant.